1/2 Birthdays

So, tomorrow is October 15, which makes it my official 1/2 birthday. Now, I only mention this b/c I have a co worker who celebrated his children's 6 month or 1/2 birthday, and I do not see why we cannot celebrate this milestone throughout our who lives...I mean, really only 1 day a year that we can celebrate "me!" As a woman, and those of you who are moms, need to have more than 1 day a year to say "me, me, me". Ok, yes, Mother's Day arises into motherhood...but you have to share that with ALL moms! How about celebrating your 1/2 birthday :) B/c really, life is short, how do you know you are going to make it to that next full birthday-oh, you don't! Life should be full of celebrations-a reason to raise a toast and say "great job", or "thank you", or "glad you are in my life". Well I don't see anything wrong with that, dang it!

So-Happy Birthday to my friend who actually has a full birthday tomorrow..and happy 1/2 birthday to me!~ Maybe I just might bring cupcakes to work :)

Happiness and Sadness all in one.

Someone once told me that you cannot have the feeling of happiness and sadness at the same time, but yes, it is quite possible. I am overwhelmingly happy-although my happiness is not exactly something I can run around yelling at the top of my lungs just yet..and then in the same breath, sadness. Heavy,lonesome, sadness. Sadness at closing one door, and opening others. Sadness at the loss of my "perfect" family, Sadness of feeling as though I never existed in this world in western Omaha I so greatly desired to create and love.

I moved here..to see about a boy. And then I wanted so badly to create this world I never had. This life that any "normal" person would want-but I walked away. I now live with a co worker, and got an offer to live with my gay friend :) And I have never been more optimistic about my future in my life.

Suburbia Omaha, sea of turf grass, same vacations every year, same everything, well, I simply freaked out at the thought of that, and now plan trips to Paris, Opera's in Chicago, and dinners with my wonderful gay friends...

It is MY world, and I love it, despite the current sadness, I can't help but to be euphorically happy.

It's all in the cards...

My friend Lisa loves to make me pick these cards and then I get to sit there and re evaluate my life. This time I listened...(or so I thought I would)



Sige-"Take some quiet time alone to rest. meditate, and contemplate"

Maeve - ""Honor the cycles of your body, energy, and emotions"

Sedna - "You are supplied for today and all of your tomorrows"

So, I took the time to read through all 3 of these...multiple times, and the very best intentions of following them. You see I started this post weeks...like September 9th week...and I vaguely recall setting out to address all 3 of them, and do what they said. Only I have not seem to have found time to be alone, or do yoga, or meditate. My energy and emotions continue to be a maddening roller coaster-Sedna mentioned balance, and breathing! Hmmm, I seem to forget to breathe during things like yoga...

So, in my quest to be balanced, and listen to my "cards" I once again failed!

Ok- i can still listen to them- I have to, the signs have been there screaming in my face, and if I don't address my emotions, and balance-well, I will continue to be this crazy person!

Thank you to my friends right now who are being incredibly loving and supportive- I could not have gone through this without you all!

The meaning of dreams?

Two nights ago I had another awakening dream...

I was in a car, a guy (male friend perhaps, or brother) was driving, there were a couple of other people in the car. We were driving through what appeared to be the Grand Canyon. The roads were winding, and the the driver just kept driving straight and missed the turn. We plummeted over the cliff-as we floated through the air (very Thelma and Louise)I recall thinking to myself, "well, way to go-you missed the turn, and now we are doing to die."

The car, instead of smashing into the ground, coasted, like an airplane. We landed, and parts of the car (which were now airplane parts) scattered all over the ground. Someone told me to only take things that could be used for shelter. I took a blanket, and some flat parts of the "plane" We started walking in the desert, and I recall seeing cactus, yellow flowers, and signage about 'texas' or something related. I do not recall the rest of the dream.

I have spent years trying to interpret my dreams, but the difficult part, is responding to the dreams. So many discard dreams, and while, yes, some are merely reflections of your day-but I believe so many of them are a reflections of our soul, our desires, and our destiny.

I have driven my car off of the cliff-now, I need to only take the things that I need to survive. I need solitude, I need reflection, I need to look inward to figure out what I need to take, and how to rebuild my shelter.

Life and death

Everyday, I wake up. Usually it is very slow, and I really have no desire to jump out of bed. The last few days I have been thinking about life and death. Both have surrounded me in the last few days, as well some other very deep issues. Sometimes you think what you are going though has to be the WORST thing ever..and then something much worse happens to friends you care about. My friend Lisa is a huge Astrology believer, and I too join the likes. Right now we are in what is called "Mercury Retrograde" and apparently BAD things happen during this time. YES, very bad things have happened in the last few days. I thought at one point, I can't handle all of what is going on my life, it is too much, and I know it is far from over. I am very dark right now, and there alot more darkness ahead. My sad little pity party was rocked Friday evening, and knocked off its course-guess, what..there can be much worse. My balance is definitely off right now, and life is pretty damn rough. The other alternative...I could not even be here to worry about all of this...or even rejoice in the potential of life. Someone brilliant once told me that "no man is an island" He was ever so correct- often we feel as though we are drowning-alone. It is hard to talk about your deepest, darkest thoughts/feelings/dreams. But when we do - we realize that no, we are not here, struggling alone, but rather surrounding by loving friends and family, who would be there in a heartbeat.

Today - I need to set my own struggles aside, and pray for a few others in my life.

Courage?

So, since I know no one reads my blog, I have decided to write...

The definition of courage is defined by the Dictionary as this...

–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.

Some also called Courage a bit of Stupidity. A week ago tomorrow I decided it was time to walk away from my life. I am 31 years ago, and I live the "American Dream" as defined as great job, house in the suburbs, large yard, dog, husband, almost married for a year-kids in the future? 2.5 of course. And a week ago, I said I don't want it all anymore. Now this definition says that courage it defined as "without fear"...oh I am far from fear. I am scared shitless, really, I mean. I picked up my life almost 5 years ago, January 26th, and moved from the only place I had ever lived, Houston, Texas, and followed a boy to Omaha, Nebraska. I left my best friend in a fabulous apartment near downtown Houston, a great paying job I had been at for about 4 years, and moved to Omaha, only knowing 2 people and NO job. We had spent the last 15 months dating long distance. Traveling back and forth between Omaha and Houston, all so very exciting. It was either time to "shit or get off the pot" as my dad would say. So, I packed up my belongings and moved North. I continued to date Toby for the next 4.5 years. And THEN we decided it would be a great idea to get married...uhmm, really? Maybe we always knew. And then I knew I had to leave. I had to once again "shit or get off the pot"...and I was/am scared b/c once again I get to pack up my life, move, and figure out what in the hell I am doing with my life.

My previous post is kind of ironic I suppose now when I look back-"greener pastures? "I am sure we have all "lost" ourselves a time or two in life"..."The whole movie, of course being about choices, and fighting for who we are, being adventurous in life, and being open minded." We were already in therapy by then, and I was questioning what in the hell I was doing...

So-here I am. About to make a list of what I am taking when I leave, and filling out "D" papers with him tonight. I am FAR from fear-I can't breathe I am so scared. My amazing friends I have made here...well they have already been pretty damn amazing. I may be alone without family, but I am far from being alone.

When you wake up one day and decide that your current path is not going to lead you to what you see of your life-it is time to jump. I said to someone the other day, that I feel like I jumped out of a plane, as I have done twice before...only this time I did not have a parachute-but then I realized, I have ALOT of parachutes.

The most difficult thing in life is looking within, and having the balls (a.k.a. Courage) to change it. I have spent so many years thinking about what everyone else was thinking of me. Alva would say f-them..ok, she has. I was so worried about hurting everyone else, I forgot about me.

What now? Well, therapy, friends, yoga, meditating? And travel-oh yes, there will be travel, dancing, and traveling, and dinners lasting for hours, and conversations of travel, and dancing, and eating. I suppose I can only lay on the floor crying for so long-but this is not the last time I will be laying on the floor, crying. I know a friends who would come to pick me up off the floor, and fill my glass.

C'est la vie.

April, in Wonderland?

OK, so I convinced Toby to see Alice in Wonderland today,even though I had read a few bad reviews AND his client this morning said it was no good. I on the other hand,thought it was fabulous. Just the cinematography alone was brilliant. Plus the makeup and costumes! just appreciating those alone were enough for me! BUT the story was quiet fantastic, a young girl of 19, proposed to, by a Lord, a life of luxury indeed ahead of her, BUT she walks away, yes, there is a choice here ladies, and she attempts to escape life's scrutiny, and there falls into the rabbits hole, while chasing the inevitable "greener pasture" aka white rabbit. Some of the beloved characters are there, the Chesire cat, the hookah smoking caterpillar of course, the mad hatter, the queen, and some new characters, who fits ever so well, the prettier sister who everyone loves. See all of the hidden lessons here I am sure. Now, I am sure the 6 year old next to me did not see these lesson..., but neither did the 30 year old husband next to me...
The story moves onto to Alice finding herself again and being reminded that she was once brilliant and strong, I am sure we have all "lost" ourselves a time or two in life, and finding her way to slay the evilness of the world, and show that she is a powerful, strong woman. Befriending the outcasts of course, and finding those friendships we might often overlook in life. And then, the red queen, surrounded by people who desire to the greatest depths to be accepted by her, making themselves unusual and unique, to fit into what she desires to surround herself with. We are all guilty of that one. I do so love that she still screams "off with their head" b/c really, haven't we all lost our head a time or two?
She says no to the Lord of course and makes her own choices to chose that other path, and keep her independence. The whole movie, of course being about choices, and fighting for who we are, being adventurous in life, and being open minded.
I thought it was a fabulous film, and really don't know why everyone else does not see it too....