So, since I know no one reads my blog, I have decided to write...
The definition of courage is defined by the Dictionary as this...
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.Some also called Courage a bit of Stupidity. A week ago tomorrow I decided it was time to walk away from my life. I am 31 years ago, and I live the "American Dream" as defined as great job, house in the suburbs, large yard, dog, husband, almost married for a year-kids in the future? 2.5 of course. And a week ago, I said I don't want it all anymore. Now this definition says that courage it defined as "without fear"...oh I am far from fear. I am scared shitless, really, I mean. I picked up my life almost 5 years ago, January 26th, and moved from the only place I had ever lived, Houston, Texas, and followed a boy to Omaha, Nebraska. I left my best friend in a fabulous apartment near downtown Houston, a great paying job I had been at for about 4 years, and moved to Omaha, only knowing 2 people and NO job. We had spent the last 15 months dating long distance. Traveling back and forth between Omaha and Houston, all so very exciting. It was either time to "shit or get off the pot" as my dad would say. So, I packed up my belongings and moved North. I continued to date Toby for the next 4.5 years. And THEN we decided it would be a great idea to get married...uhmm, really? Maybe we always knew. And then I knew I had to leave. I had to once again "shit or get off the pot"...and I was/am scared b/c once again I get to pack up my life, move, and figure out what in the hell I am doing with my life.
My previous post is kind of ironic I suppose now when I look back-"greener pastures? "I am sure we have all "lost" ourselves a time or two in life"..."The whole movie, of course being about choices, and fighting for who we are, being adventurous in life, and being open minded." We were already in therapy by then, and I was questioning what in the hell I was doing...
So-here I am. About to make a list of what I am taking when I leave, and filling out "D" papers with him tonight. I am FAR from fear-I can't breathe I am so scared. My amazing friends I have made here...well they have already been pretty damn amazing. I may be alone without family, but I am far from being alone.
When you wake up one day and decide that your current path is not going to lead you to what you see of your life-it is time to jump. I said to someone the other day, that I feel like I jumped out of a plane, as I have done twice before...only this time I did not have a parachute-but then I realized, I have ALOT of parachutes.
The most difficult thing in life is looking within, and having the balls (a.k.a. Courage) to change it. I have spent so many years thinking about what everyone else was thinking of me. Alva would say f-them..ok, she has. I was so worried about hurting everyone else, I forgot about me.
What now? Well, therapy, friends, yoga, meditating? And travel-oh yes, there will be travel, dancing, and traveling, and dinners lasting for hours, and conversations of travel, and dancing, and eating. I suppose I can only lay on the floor crying for so long-but this is not the last time I will be laying on the floor, crying. I know a friends who would come to pick me up off the floor, and fill my glass.
C'est la vie.